It was a rough night. It has been a while since I had such a bad night. The blessing of having a pump that responds to lows and alarms that alert me to fast-rising blood glucose usually keeps me from losing sleep these days.
But, due to a shipping snafu, I am without Dexcom sensors, which means no continuous glucose monitor to guide my pump to make decisions about preventing lows. And no alarms to warn me that I am headed high. So I woke at one point to a BG of 230 or so, treated it and went back to bed (though not to sleep since a BG this high makes me restless and hot….) I must have slept eventually but woke a little while later with a BG of over 300. Noticed my infusion site has a big bruise under it, so put in a new one (this is harder than it sounds when you are half-asleep) and dosed again. I am now sitting here writing this still feeling nauseous and not wanting to stick my finger to find out that my BG is still high.
My body is not mine to control. It has been invaded by an unwelcome disease that cannot be tamed all the time. But my body, thankfully, is not all there is to me. I have a soul that will last forever and today, that is my hope. In my morning devotions, I am reading from She Reads Truth, and today’s reading reminded me that I have a future and a hope that can push me beyond the current misery I am feeling. And Psalm 62 reminded me that God is indeed my rock and strength.
Those were the words I needed to hear this morning. Thanks be to God for His reminders. And meanwhile, I am hoping those sensors arrive TODAY.
I went for a walk in the snow this afternoon (only an inch or two, so no big feat…). The quiet was amazing. Even the birds seemed silenced by the peace of the countryside today, as if the snow had transformed the world into a sanctuary of calm. Yet I was not alone. I saw and heard the rustle of birds as they escaped bushes and trees as I passed. I interrupted 4 young deer grazing in the near pasture and watched as they leaped across the field, flagging me with their bright white tails and then disappearing into the brush. I saw the paw prints of rabbits across the path down to the bottom field.
But the peace. Oh, the peace. My mind was at rest, except for one thought that kept nagging at me. “I don’t want to go home. I don’t want this to end.” It was a shocking thought. I have to go home. We have jobs, friends, obligations. I can’t stay here. And I thought I didn’t want to, until today.
Am I trying to avoid or escape responsibilities? What is it that is holding on to me? And how can I bring that into life at home? This peace feels so elusive, so tied to a place. Can I bring the peace I feel out here into my life at home?
I am different than I was when we arrived six months ago. I don’t want to go back to the old me. God has worked in me. In some ways I feel stronger, but mostly I feel my inadequacy and weakness to accomplish what He seems to have for me to do. That’s ok though, really. It just means I need to learn to rely on Him to do the work in me that needs doing. After all, Philippians 1:6 is still true.
Here it is, the end of October and the days of sabbatical are waning. It has been a wonderful few months, though not at all what I expected this sabbatical to be.
I envisioned long leisurely days of reading, writing, working, knitting and enjoying the countryside. Instead it has been filled with caregiving, cleaning, hosting people at the house, along with some reading, knitting, and enjoying the countryside. In some ways I am fighting disappointment that our time here is coming to an end. I want that idealized version of things I imagined! However, I understand that those plans were definitely idealistic. I am still me, and a long day with no plans is not really what I do best. I have learned a few things through this process.
Planing helps. I do have long days by myself – but if I do not set out a plan of what I hope to accomplish, I end up wasting a lot of time which is quite unsatisfying. I don’t always end up doing what I planned, but somehow writing things down makes me more accountable for being productive. And I am happier at the end of the day when I can look back and see that I have used the time well.
Down time is ok. I fight the urge to keep busy at all times. Really, it is ok to have some down time to just relax, read for fun, pick up a magazine and enjoy it, or go outside with no agenda of exercise or yardwork. This new revelation is going to be harder to apply when I return home where the demands are more urgent.
God is good. All of the things that have ‘interfered’ with my plans for sabbatical were arranged for my good and His glory. Dad’s final days and his death and funeral, spending more time with Mom and then moving her to Danville and spending even more time helping her settle in, trips back and forth to Cincinnati – all of these things seem like interruptions. But God is showing me that what I consider interruption is His way of teaching me to rely on His grace and strength. It’s not pretty or easy, but it is a necessary process to transform me into who He intends me to be.
Sabbatical. Our last one until that long sabbatical called retirement. I pray that the lessons I am learning now will carry through to that time in my life!