Life in LADA land

Living Philippians 1:6 with type 1.5 diabetes

Off balance

on July 13, 2012

I knew posting about a honeymoon was dangerous.  The day after that post, my BG went ballistic.  Part of it was my fault, part of it was the blood sugar demon, as I predicted. The part that was my fault reminded me of the balance that managing diabetes demands of us.  It’s so easy to obsess on this disease – checking my Dexcom too often, micromanaging my blood glucose, second guessing what’s going on in my body.  But then along comes a day like Tuesday, when I was apparently sick and tired of managing diabetes and just checked out.  I forgot to give myself insulin before two different meals until I was halfway through the meal, which means my BG soared to stratospheric heights before coming down to the high 100s (not where I wanted it to be). Then, I actually forgot that my pump was low on insulin and it ran dry at an awkward time when I couldn’t get away to refill it for about a  half hour. My BG had been creeping up all afternoon, and this just made it worse.  Tired and cranky now, I opened a new vial of insulin. This in itself was frustrating, because I had forgotten I needed a new vial, and had not prepared it correctly so that I wouldn’t get a bunch of air bubbles in my pump.  Already, I’m bummed.  Shot in the new infusion site, and it didn’t stick.  That has NEVER happened to me. So of course it happened today.  Against my better judgment, I tried the same infusion site again, thinking it would work the second time.   Looked good.  I put everything back together and went on my blissfully ignorant way.  After dinner, my BG just continued to rise steadily, until it was way over 300 with no sign of slowing down.  I give it another hour, but no dice. So, I pull off the infusion site and lo and behold, the cannula that is supposed to be under my skin was kinked and sitting on top of my skin, and all the insulin I dosed with is sitting there too.  Yeah. Right. OK. Start over, and spend the night rage bolusing every couple of hours. (For the uninitiated, a rage bolus is a dose of insulin given under the influence of extreme frustration, usually repeatedly to bring down a high BG that just won’t respond the way we want it to. It usually results in a too-low BG, since the bolusing is not realistic, we just want to bring that high BG DOWN! )

Where’s the balance?  Obviously, ignoring diabetes is a bad idea.  I only had one bad day as a result of my lack of interest, but what if diabetes burn-out lasts a lot longer?  I’m still not good at just letting high blood glucose readings slide by without at least some frustration.  It happened again today, when I was high for hours with no apparent explanation.  I found myself walking around the house doing chores and ranting at diabetes at the same time. Attractive, eh?  So I struggle with the balance between managing this disease and managing the rest of my life.  I refuse to let diabetes limit me, and yet at times, it is unavoidable that it affects my day to day life.

That’s when I step back and see the real balance that I need. It’s the balance between my own management of my life and letting the Lord lead, guide, and help me.  I’ve got it tipped way in the wrong direction.  I’ve been reading a book about Gospel centered discipleship that has hit me with the truth that I have really been ignoring the power of the Gospel.  (I’m also reading a book called Think like a Pancreas, so you can see my reading material is, um, eclectic!)  Among other things that I have been reminded of, the Holy Spirit is there to comfort and encourage, even in the most mundane ways, like dealing with diabetes. The power of the resurrection is so much greater than the power of this disease.  I’m not looking to be healed (though, I don’t rule it out and would certainly welcome it!).  I’m looking to rely more on the resources that I am good at reminding other people about but not so good at actually doing myself.  Come Holy Spirit.  Let my life be balanced according to Your priorities, not mine, including the way I manage my health.  And could you do something about the blood sugar demon, too?

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