Life in LADA land

Living Philippians 1:6 with type 1.5 diabetes

Encouraging words

I read this just now and it seems to be absolutely spot on appropriate for the way I have been feeling for the past week or so.  I’ll just let the Scripture speak for itself.

“But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”  Isaiah 43:1-3

With reassurance like this, I am comforted.  I’m never alone.  I’m never without hope.  I will not be overwhelmed.  I am His.

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I’ve got questions

If I could confront diabetes as an entity that could answer questions, I’ve got a list of things to ask. I’m guessing anyone who has had diabetes longer than me (and that includes a lot of people) would have even more (and you are invited to add to the list via comments!).  It’s kind of like thinking about the questions we want to ask God when we get to heaven. However, I have a feeling all my questions will evaporate when I get to heaven.  That’s not so true of my questions about diabetes.

  • When will we get a cure?
  • What made my pancreas fail in the first place? There I was, minding my own business and all of a sudden, some screaming antibodies just up and attacked my beta cells.  Why?
  • Why is it that I can do the exact same thing two days in a row and get completely different results?
  • What’s up with Sundays?  Why can’t I control my blood glucose on Sunday?  You got something against church?
  • Why does my blood glucose go higher and higher when I stand around for long periods of time, like at museums or parties?  (It doesn’t come down until I sit down – no amount of insulin will bring it completely back to normal as long as I’m still standing around.)
  • Why can’t we get the Animas Vibe sooner here in the US?  I’m ready for an all-in-one pump/CGM that works!
  • Why, when I’m trying so incredibly hard to do things right, can’t you cooperate and just let my blood glucose be steady all the time?
  • How is it possible that 19 years ago when we picked our doctor and medical practice out of list of providers covered by our insurance, it turns out to be the absolute BEST place I could be for this disease?  (I know the answer to this one: God’s incredible providence!)
  • Why is it that all the foods that make my blood sugar go whacko have to taste so good?  I’d be fine if it were brussel sprouts or tofu that sent my BG high!
  • Why do some kinds of exercise make my BG go up and others make it go down?  OK, I know part of the answer to this one, but really, couldn’t this be simpler?
  • Why is it that some nights, my G4 buzzes me all night long with low alarms, and the next night (going to bed at the same BG) I sit tight at 120 all night?  OK, again, I know the answer to this partially, having to do with what I ate and how I exercised that day, but really? Does it all have to be so COMPLICATED?

OK, that’s enough for now.  Please feel free to add to the list, or to answer any that you can!  I feel better already!

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I’m done now!

Today is one of those days.  I’m really done with diabetes.  I hit two bad lows this morning, within two hours of each other, one of them lasting over an hour.  I have no idea why they hit as I did everything “right”, and just like I have done it before without lows.  And there have been too many lows this week, some of them “my fault” (wrong pump settings) some of them just random.

This has all brought me to a startling conclusion.  Managing diabetes is exhausting.  And I’m exhausted.  I’m tired of having to be competent.  I’m tired of having to juggle work, relationships, spiritual life, home and family and diabetes.  I’m tired of feeling the weakness and helplessness of lows and the resulting headache, fog and  grogginess.

I thought about just taking off my pump (actually I thought about RIPPING it off) and CGM and just forgetting about this disease for a few days and just rest from it.  Problem is, I know I’ll feel way worse if I do that.  My blood sugar will skyrocket and I remember all too well how I felt in the months around my diagnosis.  No thanks.

So I have come to the end, or at least close to the end, of my ability to handle this thorn in my flesh with grace and hope.  And that’s pretty much where God wants me to come. Well, maybe He doesn’t want me to come to that point, but certainly it is one of those times that He can use to drive me to depend on Him.  It’s like Hannah (1 Samuel 1).  She was barren and being totally harrased by Peninnah, the second wife of her husband.  Peninnah had plenty of children and never let Hannah forget it.  Hannah didn’t give up in despair (which is what I want to do…..NOW).  Her need and grief drove her to pour out her heart to God in the temple (where insult was added to injury when Eli the priest thought she was drunk!).  I am humbled by her dependence and faith in God.  My first desire is to wallow in self-pity (which I have done pretty well today).  God answered Hannah’s prayer generously and perfectly, but Hannah didn’t even need that answer in order to be content after making her request to God.  He is there for me now, as I come to the end of myself, waiting to meet my emotional and physical needs related to this disease, just as He was there for Hannah.

Diabetes is exhausting.  Frustrating.  Time-consuming. Unpredictable.  The perfect medium to drive me to my God for His perfect care.

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