Life in LADA land

Living Philippians 1:6 with type 1.5 diabetes

I’m done now!

on January 24, 2013

Today is one of those days.  I’m really done with diabetes.  I hit two bad lows this morning, within two hours of each other, one of them lasting over an hour.  I have no idea why they hit as I did everything “right”, and just like I have done it before without lows.  And there have been too many lows this week, some of them “my fault” (wrong pump settings) some of them just random.

This has all brought me to a startling conclusion.  Managing diabetes is exhausting.  And I’m exhausted.  I’m tired of having to be competent.  I’m tired of having to juggle work, relationships, spiritual life, home and family and diabetes.  I’m tired of feeling the weakness and helplessness of lows and the resulting headache, fog and  grogginess.

I thought about just taking off my pump (actually I thought about RIPPING it off) and CGM and just forgetting about this disease for a few days and just rest from it.  Problem is, I know I’ll feel way worse if I do that.  My blood sugar will skyrocket and I remember all too well how I felt in the months around my diagnosis.  No thanks.

So I have come to the end, or at least close to the end, of my ability to handle this thorn in my flesh with grace and hope.  And that’s pretty much where God wants me to come. Well, maybe He doesn’t want me to come to that point, but certainly it is one of those times that He can use to drive me to depend on Him.  It’s like Hannah (1 Samuel 1).  She was barren and being totally harrased by Peninnah, the second wife of her husband.  Peninnah had plenty of children and never let Hannah forget it.  Hannah didn’t give up in despair (which is what I want to do…..NOW).  Her need and grief drove her to pour out her heart to God in the temple (where insult was added to injury when Eli the priest thought she was drunk!).  I am humbled by her dependence and faith in God.  My first desire is to wallow in self-pity (which I have done pretty well today).  God answered Hannah’s prayer generously and perfectly, but Hannah didn’t even need that answer in order to be content after making her request to God.  He is there for me now, as I come to the end of myself, waiting to meet my emotional and physical needs related to this disease, just as He was there for Hannah.

Diabetes is exhausting.  Frustrating.  Time-consuming. Unpredictable.  The perfect medium to drive me to my God for His perfect care.

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3 responses to “I’m done now!

  1. Colleen says:

    Tomorrow will be a better day. I hope.
    It is hard but… when I’m having a bad day I tend to think about the kids w/ D. And then I try not to feel so sorry for myself.
    Hugs…

    • Colleen says:

      Thank you both, Jane and Colleen. I know you get it and that no doubt you have both had days like this. I really appreciate your encouragement! And the world looks better tonight.

  2. Jane Elliott says:

    Hang in there my friend. It will get better. You can do it!!!

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