Life in LADA land

Living Philippians 1:6 with type 1.5 diabetes

Confession

on June 28, 2013

I’m weary.  Discouraged.  No, not discouraged exactly, it’s more like my mind and my body have had enough.  Enough of what?  Really, I’m not sure, but I think it has something to do with having to think like a pancreas all the time on top of the rest of life. So if there is a name for that, that’s how I feel.

Nothing significant triggered this. In fact, things have been going relatively well number-wise with my blood sugar, my last blood work-up and my A1C.  All those numbers are in ranges I am content with, and perhaps just as importantly, my doctor is content with. But I find myself just not wanting to do the next diabetes related task.  I’m tired of the Dexcom buzzing at me after an hour of gardening and I just want to ignore it and keep going.  I’m tired of “Fur Elise” coming from my pump reminding me that I have less than 20 units of insulin left in it and need to do something about that.  I’m REALLY tired of counting carbs and dosing before I eat anything.  But the consequences of not responding to all of these demands is far worse than dealing with them. Something about being between a rock and a hard place springs to mind….

The only part of this that has been encouraging is that apparently I am not alone in these feelings this week.  Just as I wanted to sit down and cry for no apparent reason, I came across a blogger that I respect and she had posted a video about wanting to break up with diabetes.  You should watch this, really.  And then I read another of my favorite bloggers and she too is done with diabetes.  There must be something in the air this week.  It’s nice to know (in a perverse way) that this is a common experience and that I’m not a total wimp.

Climbing out of this hole is turning out to be difficult.  People ask me how I feel – I have no idea how to answer that question. Really.  I feel………tired, defeated, consumed by the diabetes monster, distracted, and yet at the same time I know that I am doing basically a good job of managing this disease. Talk about a split personality! But if I tell anyone that when they ask how I’m doing, they’ll never ask again. If I just say “it’s complicated”, that sounds vague and stupid.  But really, it is complicated.  My feelings, and managing diabetes – both are complicated.  So I don’t have a good answer and I usually just say, ‘well, today’s not so bad’ or something really awkward like that.  The thing about diabetes is that asking someone how they feel at the moment isn’t really relevant.  I might feel great at the moment, but I’m always waiting for the next problem to crop up.  I really appreciate the people who come to me and tell me they are praying for me.  That’s huge for me. I guess it’s huge for anyone, and maybe that’s the lesson I am supposed to learn.  The thing is, I count on the fact that that person really IS praying for me.  Right now, I’m finding it hard to pray for myself, so I need those prayer warriors to be at work for me.  And I know I need to be praying for others dealing with much greater challenges than diabetes.  Maybe that’s the way out of the hole.  Praying for others and asking God to take my eyes off of myself and put them on Him.  He is the great Healer, not just of bodies but of hearts.  And my heart needs some healing.  OK, I’m signing off now. Gotta go spend some time with the Great Physician.

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