Life in LADA land

Living Philippians 1:6 with type 1.5 diabetes

Blind-sided

I had a completely different post in mind to write today. But diabetes blind-sided me this morning and turned my day into something I did NOT expect.  So that other post will have to wait for a better day and a better attitude…..

The past few days have been relatively quiet diabetes-wise.  No super highs, though a few too many lows for my liking and peace of mind.  Had a great night of sleep last night, mostly due to the fact that my Dexcom didn’t wake me up with alarms at all for a change. I woke up this morning with a reasonable blood sugar, refilled my pump and anticipated a pleasant and worship-filled Sunday morning.

A nasty surprise

A nasty surprise

That ended all too soon.  As I was sitting in Sunday School, thoroughly enjoying the teaching on the book of Leviticus (really!), I started feeling a bit, well, weird.  Kinda fuzzy, having a hard time concentrating.  Checked the Dexcom, it said 220 with a straight up arrow (which means my blood sugar was still going up at a fairly fast rate).  Huh.  Not what I expected, so I tested with  a finger stick.  318. WHAT? If I hadn’t been in a crowded room, I would have made my displeasure known more publicly.  But I behaved and dosed to correct that horrendous BG number, and settled back in to listen to Michael teach.  Then it hit. Thirsty. Very thirsty.  I know that drinking water helps bring down my BG so I headed out to the water fountain.  By now I was getting mad.  I don’t know why I was mad, but then, at 318, who can be rational?

I came back to class after drinking as much water as I could tolerate, hoping to immerse myself in the teaching and forget how bad I was starting to feel.  Good thought, but it didn’t work.  The lethargy, slight headache and general fuzziness set in soon enough.

We headed in to the worship service after class.  By now I was really mad. Why was I mad? Who was I mad at? I have no idea.  But I guess I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and not really in a good state of mind to worship.  The first song  lifted my spirits a bit, but by the time we had recited the Memory Verse (which I knew but couldn’t recall at that time), heard the Invocation and began to sing again, I was forced to sit down and just felt overwhelmed. And I cried.  I’m pretty sure this is the first time I have cried about diabetes.  I was just tired of it. Tired of the work it takes to manage this disease.  Tired of being blind-sided like I was now and feeling so completely out of control.  Tired of shots and a pump and a CGM invading my body.  Just tired.  I’d like to say I felt better after crying it out for a bit.  But I really didn’t. I felt worse, really, since feeling sorry for myself isn’t something I’m proud of, nor is my suffering anywhere close to what others in our church are dealing with.  I did manage to participate in the rest of worship, and I truly wanted to get my mind and heart off of me and onto our great God.  Worship isn’t about me feeling better.  It’s about honoring God and I didn’t do a very good job of that this morning.

For the first time, I just wanted to get out of church without talking to anyone. I wanted to get to the car and get away to a quiet, dark place and get my blood sugar down.  I’m now sitting at home with a BG around 104, just where I want it, but it has taken hours to get there and I still feel the effects of this morning’s high and the jumble of emotions it brought.  I’m not as strong as I thought I was.  I’m not as good at managing diabetes as I’d like to be (who is?).  I’m not good at keeping selfish thoughts out of my head.

It helped to nap, and then to work on the Bible study I will be leading on Tuesday night. To be reminded of who God is and particularly of the inheritance I have in Him was a needed injection of truth.  I’m beginning to feel encouraged and to take comfort in that.  But I have been reminded of my many weaknesses, not all of which are physical.  Maybe that was why I needed to be blind-sided today.  The mercies of God are new every morning.  And every afternoon too.

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Riding the roller coaster

I really don’t like roller coasters.  I never have. I don’t know if it’s the slow, dreadful rise up the hill anticipating what’s over the precipice, or the abrupt, stomach-tumbling drop down into the abyss that terrifies me more.  Let’s just say, I’m not running to King’s Island every summer to ride the latest and greatest.

Turns out I’m not fond of diabetes roller coasters either. What’s a diabetes roller coaster?  It looks like this:

Not a great picture, but clear enough to give you the general idea....

Not a great picture, but clear enough to give you the general idea….

It feels about as awful as it looks. The worst part is that the biggest peak on the coaster ride wasn’t even my fault. As if that matters. An infusion site went bad so insulin was pooling up on my skin instead of getting into my body. I really hate that.  And I ignored the buzzing of my continuous glucose monitor too long, so it took a while to correct.  Of course after a couple of rage boluses, I went low right at bedtime, ate too much (I just wanted to go to bed and not worry about not waking up) and soared upwards yet again.  Needless to say, I was up a few times last night dealing with all of this.

So, I’m still not a fan of roller coasters.  Real or digital.

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Distractions

Distractions have plagued our family lately.  The first big one was when our daughter was momentarily distracted on the highway out west and slammed into a guardrail, totaling her car.  It’s amazing that a split second decision can have such huge ramifications, endangering her life (which miraculously and thankfully was spared without injury!) but messing up her life for over a month in clearing up the chaos that followed.  I too have had a car accident after a moment’s distraction.  It’s sobering.

Yesterday I was distracted while getting ready to eat lunch. I was at work, and in the going  back and forth from the kitchen to my office, calculating carbs, poking my finger and punching the numbers into my meter, I got distracted for a moment and forgot to press the GO button.  Bad.  Very bad.  So no bolus for lunch.  I went along my merry way, working and reading, feeling a bit wonky but chalking it up to general-recovery-from-knee-surgery wonkiness.  A couple of hours later, as I was getting ready to leave work, I poked my finger again and tested.  Meter said 403. WHAT?!?  Washed my hands vigorously.  Poked again. 402.  WHAT?!?  I had no memory of not bolusing for lunch, so my first thought was that my infusion site was bad.  Changed that out.  Then I thought to look at the history on my pump.  Yep, no record of a bolus at around noon.  So, a wasted infusion site (I HATE that) and now I just have to deal with bringing down the highest blood glucose I can ever remember having.  Drank water constantly.  Ketones, yep. (For all you non-diabetics out there: Ketones happen when your blood glucose is high and your body can’t fully process all the glucose floating around in the blood.  Whenever BG is as high as it was for me yesterday, you are supposed to test for them. I haven’t always done this in the past, but I’m becoming more compliant at it.  A persistent CDE has helped me with that.)   Dosed repeatedly (accounting for those ketones, Betty :).  Rage bolused a couple of times.  Finally, by bedtime (8 hours later) I was down to my target range, and of course, since it was bedtime, still falling.  But God was gracious, and after a very small carb snack before bed, I slept blessedly, peacefully and long.

So, the moral of the story? No idea.  Except that I need to deal with distractions better.  I’m finding it more and more difficult these days to concentrate on things for long periods of time.  Is this age? Or the digital age taking it’s toll? Whatever the cause, I feel the need to work on my ability to focus and concentrate on the task at hand. Driving, dosing, reading, studying, writing….whatever.  And in the meantime, I am thankful for God’s constant care that has no doubt spared me from consequences of other distractions I’m not even aware of.

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