Life in LADA land

Living Philippians 1:6 with type 1.5 diabetes

Self-Sabotage

on September 9, 2013

In a texting conversation with a friend today, I was inspired to admit my recent descent into self-sabotage. You know what I mean – you do something that you KNOW is going to have adverse effects on you, but the temptation is just too strong to resist.

Mine was last night.  If you have been following the saga of my knee surgery, you know that the worst part of it all has been the nausea.  Well, yesterday afternoon, all of a sudden (really!) it just stopped.  I don’t know if people were praying for me (well, I know they were), or what, but it just stopped. I cannot begin to tell you how great it made me feel. I was ready to get up and take on the world, despite a gimpy knee.  So, I got and made cookies instead.  It was amazing to feel energetic again. I knew I had been feeling bad, but I didn’t realize how lethargic the nausea had made me until it was gone.

And therein lies the danger.  I started feeling really good and very self-sufficient. So, after dinner when I had a hankering for something more, something really good and satisfying, my mind told me that I deserved it after all I had been through. Right.  It was delicious, even though I knew, I just KNEW I would pay for it.

And pay for it I did. At midnight. And 1:00. And 3:00.  My blood sugar soared, and because of the lovely state of insulin resistance I am experiencing post-surgery, it stayed high, bolus after bolus.  Another wrecked night of sleep.  Truly, it wasn’t worth that, as good as it was.

So of course, I did it AGAIN this afternoon.  I didn’t think this one would be so bad (though really, I knew it was).  I’ve been working fairly hard today, doing stuff for our kids and then working diligently from home. I deserved a treat, right?  I’ll be bolusing again in a few minutes to try to bring down this ridiculous number.

Why do I do this? Why do we ALL do this? Whether it’s ice cream, or cookies (now you know my guilty secrets), alcohol, gossip, or trashy novels. We are weak, or at least I am.  I can’t resist these temptations even knowing how miserable they will make me.  I am a master of self-deception: “this time it won’t do to my blood sugar what it did the last 50 times”, “I deserve it”, “the momentary pleasure is worth the difficulties that will follow”.  None of these things are true.

So I’m going to paste 1 Corinthians 10:13 on my forearm: “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”  I’m right, I can’t do it alone. But then, I’m never alone.  That’s my hope. That’s my assurance.

After all, none of the stuff that we self-sabotage with will ever bring us true satisfaction or joy.  I can do much better than even ice cream or cookies.  But discipline is hard, and I’m not always in the mood for hard work.  I’ve been reading Elisabeth Elliot’s Discipline, the Glad Surrender lately.  She reminded me today that true life comes from living in the Spirit.  Hezekiah put his trust in the Lord – a deliberate act of the will.  That’s what discipline requires.  I repeat, I can’t do this alone. But then, I’m never alone.  My hope, my assurance, is in the power of God in me to do this.  Who’d guess that I could learn such an important lesson from Tin Roof Sundae ice cream?

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