Life in LADA land

Living Philippians 1:6 with type 1.5 diabetes

Blind-sided

on September 29, 2013

I had a completely different post in mind to write today. But diabetes blind-sided me this morning and turned my day into something I did NOT expect.  So that other post will have to wait for a better day and a better attitude…..

The past few days have been relatively quiet diabetes-wise.  No super highs, though a few too many lows for my liking and peace of mind.  Had a great night of sleep last night, mostly due to the fact that my Dexcom didn’t wake me up with alarms at all for a change. I woke up this morning with a reasonable blood sugar, refilled my pump and anticipated a pleasant and worship-filled Sunday morning.

A nasty surprise

A nasty surprise

That ended all too soon.  As I was sitting in Sunday School, thoroughly enjoying the teaching on the book of Leviticus (really!), I started feeling a bit, well, weird.  Kinda fuzzy, having a hard time concentrating.  Checked the Dexcom, it said 220 with a straight up arrow (which means my blood sugar was still going up at a fairly fast rate).  Huh.  Not what I expected, so I tested with  a finger stick.  318. WHAT? If I hadn’t been in a crowded room, I would have made my displeasure known more publicly.  But I behaved and dosed to correct that horrendous BG number, and settled back in to listen to Michael teach.  Then it hit. Thirsty. Very thirsty.  I know that drinking water helps bring down my BG so I headed out to the water fountain.  By now I was getting mad.  I don’t know why I was mad, but then, at 318, who can be rational?

I came back to class after drinking as much water as I could tolerate, hoping to immerse myself in the teaching and forget how bad I was starting to feel.  Good thought, but it didn’t work.  The lethargy, slight headache and general fuzziness set in soon enough.

We headed in to the worship service after class.  By now I was really mad. Why was I mad? Who was I mad at? I have no idea.  But I guess I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and not really in a good state of mind to worship.  The first song  lifted my spirits a bit, but by the time we had recited the Memory Verse (which I knew but couldn’t recall at that time), heard the Invocation and began to sing again, I was forced to sit down and just felt overwhelmed. And I cried.  I’m pretty sure this is the first time I have cried about diabetes.  I was just tired of it. Tired of the work it takes to manage this disease.  Tired of being blind-sided like I was now and feeling so completely out of control.  Tired of shots and a pump and a CGM invading my body.  Just tired.  I’d like to say I felt better after crying it out for a bit.  But I really didn’t. I felt worse, really, since feeling sorry for myself isn’t something I’m proud of, nor is my suffering anywhere close to what others in our church are dealing with.  I did manage to participate in the rest of worship, and I truly wanted to get my mind and heart off of me and onto our great God.  Worship isn’t about me feeling better.  It’s about honoring God and I didn’t do a very good job of that this morning.

For the first time, I just wanted to get out of church without talking to anyone. I wanted to get to the car and get away to a quiet, dark place and get my blood sugar down.  I’m now sitting at home with a BG around 104, just where I want it, but it has taken hours to get there and I still feel the effects of this morning’s high and the jumble of emotions it brought.  I’m not as strong as I thought I was.  I’m not as good at managing diabetes as I’d like to be (who is?).  I’m not good at keeping selfish thoughts out of my head.

It helped to nap, and then to work on the Bible study I will be leading on Tuesday night. To be reminded of who God is and particularly of the inheritance I have in Him was a needed injection of truth.  I’m beginning to feel encouraged and to take comfort in that.  But I have been reminded of my many weaknesses, not all of which are physical.  Maybe that was why I needed to be blind-sided today.  The mercies of God are new every morning.  And every afternoon too.

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