Life in LADA land

Living Philippians 1:6 with type 1.5 diabetes

Not-so-sweet cravings

on January 13, 2014

For the past week or so I have had the worst cravings for sweets that I can remember.  And don’t tell my doc or CDE, but I have indulged WAY too many of those cravings.  My insulin use is way up.  I tell myself it’s because I’ve been sick, and that the cravings will go away. I’m not sure I believe it, but it makes me feel a little less guilty.

But it has made me realize how easy it is to get caught up in a vicious cycle of behavior/guilt/excuses/despair when you are diabetic.  Food becomes part of my treatment plan rather than something I can just enjoy without thinking.  I’m not really ok with that.  I realize that overall, I am eating in a healthier way than before I had this scourge called diabetes, but nonetheless, it’s a pain.  I guess this is a fresh wound since during the Christmas holiday season, there has been SO much good stuff to eat that I perceive as ‘forbidden fruit’, or others perceive it that way for me.  Theoretically, I can eat anything as long as I dose for it and account for it as part of my whole day’s food intake.  But darn it, I just want to eat stuff without having to dose for it, or calculate how many carbs are in it, or whether or not I have had too much junk that day.  To put it simply, I miss just being able to eat without all the preparation diabetes requires.  And that sense of injustice makes it easier to give in to the cravings, since I can rationalize to myself that in some weird way, I deserve it.

When I do indulge, as I have this week, I see the high blood glucose levels and berate myself for giving in. I know the roller coaster blood sugars are not good for me, physically or emotionally.  That’s when the guilt sets in, and I end up beating myself up for being so weak.  Unfortunately, this cycle isn’t very productive, and I don’t come out of it with some new resolve to eat only those foods that don’t cause my BG to spike.

Having gotten this off my chest makes me feel a little bit better.  The craving is still there for the cookies that I know are lying in wait for me in the kitchen.  Even the knowledge that I will pay for indulging the craving with ridiculously high blood glucose levels for hours doesn’t take the edge off of the craving.  It take discipline, which is in short supply right now.  I’m hoping desperately it’s because I’m fighting this cough that I cannot curb the cravings.  Perhaps my body can’t fight two battles at once.  This gives me hope, because the cough can’t last forever, right?

But deep down I know there’s more to it.  Giving in to cravings is about putting myself first.  That’s not how I want to live.  I’m NOT the center of the universe. I do not live simply to indulge my own pleasure. That’s the bigger picture I need to keep in mind as I battle the cravings that I know are not good for me.  God is the center of the universe and it is His pleasure and glory I seek.  The good news is that He is also the source of the discipline I need.  Not an instant fix. But I know that life in Him is far more satisfying than even that M&M cookie on the shelf. That’s the first step in conquering the cravings and putting aside the guilt. One step at a time.

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