Life in LADA land

Living Philippians 1:6 with type 1.5 diabetes

Jekyll and Hyde

on February 27, 2014

The last couple of weeks have been, um, well, diabetically challenging.  Highs have been really high and stuck for hours up there, and there have been a couple of scary lows as well as just too many garden variety lows.  These roller coaster days leave me sluggish, nauseous and just generally pretty cranky and self-absorbed.  In the midst of it all, I don’t see these things clearly. All I know is that I feel very sorry for myself and want it to go away and let me get on with my life, preferably with a functioning pancreas. (I can dream, can’t I?)

Of course, life doesn’t stop when diabetes rages seemingly with a plan of its own.  I keep exercising (most of the time), working and doing all of the other things expected of me.  Deep down though, I am not myself. I can only see that now, as I am coming out of this fog.  I had lunch today with the one person who probably understands best what my journey with diabetes is like, and I realized that over the past couple of weeks, she has seen some of the worst of me. The self-pity, the self-recrimination, the perfectionism that leads only to frustration. It’s not pretty and I’m not proud of it, but I must admit, it is truly wonderful to have a friend who sees all that and still considers me a friend.  I am grateful and incredibly blessed.  I only pray that I can reciprocate in some measure.

I feel different today.  I think I am more myself. I feel stronger, happier.  I don’t like who I am when diabetes is in control.  But I think I understand why it happens.  It is the difference between saying that I trust God to do what is best in my life and really living that out. In my head I know He is sufficient to pull me through those rough days and nights, and to change my attitude from one of self-pity to one of thanksgiving.  Even as I write that, I am amazed to think that that is possible.  But it is.  I cannot be a fair weather Christian, faithful only when my blood sugar cooperates with my efforts to control it.  If I trust Him in the easy times, I must also trust Him in the hard ones.

This is not an emotional thing. It is Truth that I need to hang onto for dear life.  I’m praying that in the days ahead, when things go wacky with diabetes again (and I know they will) or when any other trial comes into my life, I will be quicker to do whatever I need to do to remind myself of His sufficiency. Of His love for me. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde need to run to the Cross and embrace the truth of the Gospel. Not wallow in the mud of self-pity.

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