Life in LADA land

Living Philippians 1:6 with type 1.5 diabetes

It’s all in the numbers. Right?

on July 7, 2017

I will admit it.  I am struggling.  I know that is probably not the best way to start a blog post after being absent from my blog for months, but it’s true.  I have been driven back to this place of honesty and acceptance to admit where I am and hopefully sort out how to move forward in this fog.

It’s all because of numbers.  Numbers drive diabetes.  A1C, current blood sugar, how many days have I worn this infusion site, this CGM sensor and how many days until I have to change them, how many carbs in this meal (over and over and over everyday)…..you get the picture.  But really only a couple of those numbers are persecuting me right now.  It’s the blood sugar number and the A1C.

At my last appointment with my doc, I got yelled at (it wasn’t really yelling – it was genuine concern for my well-being, but to me it felt like yelling) by 3 different people because my A1C was too LOW.  Yeah, you read that right.  And I totally understand why they are concerned – the low A1C is associated with too many low blood sugars and they are dangerous.  So, why if I know all of this did it still feel like they were yelling at me? Because that number is my judge. And I felt like the number was terrific. Yes, I agree with them that I am going low too often. But still, when they encouraged (no, that is too weak – they exhorted) me to allow my blood sugar to run higher in order to keep a safety margin, it felt like judgment and I was a failure.

And that relates to the second number that is causing me to struggle. I KNOW I need to let my blood sugars run higher to keep that safety margin, and that I will still likely have a very acceptable A1C next time around if I do.  But.  (That word should be removed from my vocabulary.)  I admit it. I don’t like seeing blood sugars in the 150s-180s. I would rather see 100-120.  The problem is, when I am running in that lower range, it only takes a trip through a grocery store, or some yard or housework to plunge me downward to the 60-70s.  Thus, I need a safety margin.  See? I know this in my head.  I KNOW this in my head.  So why can’t I just accept it and get on with it?

Because the numbers are my judge. And 160 is a guilty verdict.  You ate something you shouldn’t have.  You don’t have enough self-control.  You did it WRONG.

That’s my struggle.  I wish I had a neat answer for how I am going to get out of this.  I don’t.  Yet.  I know where my hope lies.  And it is NOT in me. I know that God is teaching me important lessons that I must learn. I know that He is wiser than I and that He loves me.  So I rest in that.  And struggle on. For now.

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4 responses to “It’s all in the numbers. Right?

  1. Jane elliott says:

    Hang in there! I won’t even tell you about my 395 last night-but I thought of you when it wouldn’t go down! If I rage bolus I’ll bottom out. Don’t do it. Just wait! I did. 160 is not a guilty verdict. 160 is OK!!!!!!!!!!

    • Colleen says:

      Thanks Jane – this means a lot coming from a fellow traveler 🙂 We do need to get together – your life has been very full these days!

  2. Jodee says:

    Perfectionism is a very severe master. Praying for you, dear sister.

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